I miss him all ready, but am enjoying the extra sleep.

So Tyler is gone for the next four days. He is with his birth mother. They are really starting the transitioning for him to go live with her. Last week he did 4 days of visits, this week starts the overnights. I held it together until the worker left but cried as I watched the caseworker buckling him into the car.

The plan is to have him back in her care in 6 weeks. So So Sad!!!! We are all going to miss him so much.

Still, I remain in a very good place about his return home. I am sad, I would be a robot if I was not sad, but I think he will be OK with his birth mom.

She is doing so well, is stable and loves him so much. I think she will be able to care for him very well. I am happy for her. She has worked so hard to get her children back and has failed until now. Now she gets to have her baby, I am thrilled for her, sad for us but so happy for her.
She is my friend. She gave birth to my girls too and so I love her.

I am very lucky to have such a strong relationship with her, I really like her, she is such a nice good person. She cant help that her childhood limited her ability to grow up with skills to take care of children. The great thing is that she is older now and more mature and has learned many many new parenting skills. She has taken classes, is in a young mothers group, and has watched me and copied the way I parent and she has become a good mother. So there is no reason to worry or be angry at her.

It is interesting how I have such different emotions at the same time. I want her to have her child, because she is his mom too. I also want him to stay with me, because I am his mother too and love him with all my heart.

A truly wonderful thing is that I will always have Tyler in my life. I have adopted his sisters and do visits with the birth mom often, so he will never be lost to me. I am also there to help if they need me. I can be a refuge for him if things get hard at home with her. I hope they never do but I can be here if he needs me.

Yesterday the caseworker and her supervisor came over to discuss things and I felt like two different people. One who is desperately trying to keep her baby, and one who is so happy for her friend who gets her son back because she is well enough to have him. It is amazing that you can have both feelings at the same time. You can!!! I do!!!!

So try not be too sad for us, things are OK, we will get through this, there will be tears and sadness but there could not be a better situation for a child to return to his birth mom, than the one that we have.

I love him, miss him but boy are things easier with only four children. I hope that does not sound selfish, but I really enjoyed getting sleep today, not getting up with a baby in the middle of the night, not having to worry about what he is getting into and what he needs.

I have so many opposite feelings don't I. I am just in a weird circumstance and am living each moment with honesty and without guilt. I have to do it my way and always look for the positive. That is just the way I was made.