He's Gone

My brain hurts from crying and my heart hurts from mourning. I am so very sad.

As the worker took Tyler from my arms today, tears ran down my face and hers. We both sobbed as she carried him to the car. It was precious to see his siblings hug his little body and say goodbye to their brother. I could not watch the car drive away with my son so I went to my bedroom curled up on my bed and sobbed. Jennedy came in, she is my shadow after all, and said in her little two year old voice. "I miss Tyler" I know honey I miss him too. Then she crawled on my lap and we hugged as tears streamed down my face. She then cupped my head in her tiny hands and looked me in the eyes and gave me the biggest grin you ever saw. She did not know what to say but she knows that her happy makes me happy. I smiled too and encouraged her to go play with her sister downstairs. She trotted off with a smile on her face.

Life goes on doesn't it. When something devastating happens you kind of expect the world to stop, but it doesn't it just keeps going. There are still kids to feed and diapers to change and joy to have with the children that remain.

Last night as we spent our final time with Tyler each child got a chance to hold him and get a picture. I watched as my sweet husband put Tyler to bed for the last time and felt so much sorrow for us, for him.






I lay in bed crying last night falling asleep in my husbands sweet arms, clinging to each other for comfort. I am so happy to have him, he is there for me, to hold me when I cry. He has been through this journey with me, through the ups and downs and now the end. He has been my rock and I love him so much. We of course will get through this. Life goes on and we will be happy.

Friends and families have offered to help by letting me take some time away, babysit, or to come over to support us. I am grateful for that but what I want right now is to be with my family, to hold each of my children close, to keep them as close to me as I can with no distractions but us, our family. I want to just be with them. Pull and unite us together through this sadness, so that we can come out of this a stronger family.

So this is it, it is done, I am ready to talk and write about something new, something that does not hurt my heart so much and make me cry. The next post will be happy and about the ones I hold most dear, my sweet children.